


For the Love of a Father

by nicolai



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Bad Parenting, Child Abuse, Forgiveness, Guilt, Non-Consensual Spanking, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 08:05:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6044212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolai/pseuds/nicolai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zuko reflecting on his life and his relationships with his family</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Love of a Father

**Author's Note:**

> TW: child abuse, parents, guilt, physical abuse

When his mother spanked him, it was a solemn affair, where he cried for making her do it. She hated it and only ever did it if his father was watching. Later she’d hold him and cry and apologize. He told her it was okay; it wasn’t.

When his father spanked him, it was cold and cruel, a severe beating where he cried because he was terrified. He knew his father didn’t care about him. He was the failure of a son who couldn’t do anything right. And that was across the board. He couldn’t do as many firebending forms as his younger sister. He’d never be that talented. His eyes lacked the spark they needed. But also, his heart was too sensitive and kind. He just couldn’t accept that whatever his father said was right was and he found himself punished, time and again, for speaking out when Ozai was planning something cruel. He knew that even if he acted properly, he’d never be the son his father wanted. He wasn’t like Azula- a monster since birth, with no heart but tons of ambition and willingness to please and be molded into exactly the warrior a royal family could be proud of. Zuko, however, couldn’t understand why his instincts were all wrong. When he felt he’d done right, he was shamed and punished, when he went along with it, he knew he was wrong and bad. No matter which route he chose, he felt guilty. 

As he grew older, he found himself choosing, more and more often, the path of least resistance. He didn’t want to be left crying and shaking, bruised and bloody, so he kept his mouth shut. At least most of the time. But it didn’t always work. He had a hot temper and an impulsive tongue. He couldn’t always rein it in. And Azula seemed to delight in getting him into trouble. She’d tell their father of things he said and sometimes outright lie. Of course, it never did any good to defend himself: he’d shown that it wasn’t implausible for him to behave that way, so what did it matter to the Fire Lord to punish him for his feelings instead of his words?

After his greatest source of shame- the time his father saw fit to burn his face and banish him, Zuko had a lot of time to think. Unfortunately, away from his father’s mistreatment, it was easier than ever to blame himself. The scar and his inability to go home, they merely served to show him that he’d messed up, or rather, that he was messed up. So he promised himself that he’d do better this time. He’d follow orders (find and capture the avatar), return home, and be a perfect prince: obedient, without his own opinions, respectful, and strong. He knew that if he only got another chance, he’d do it right this time. He’d do anything to earn his father’s love, even if it meant giving up everything else and changing everything about himself. 

Except, it didn’t work that way at all. By a stroke of luck and his sister’s cautious conniving, he was eventually welcomed home. He’d betrayed someone important along the way, but he told himself it didn’t matter. His uncle Iroh was not the person he needed to please. His love and guidance hadn’t gone unnoticed, but there were more important things Zuko needed to worry about. Though he still felt mixed up sometimes, he’d chosen his side, and he’d see it through. He’d be the son his father wanted. But that didn’t mean being happy and it wasn’t long before he realized that he’d chosen wrong. You couldn’t earn someone’s love if you had to change who you were to get it: that meant they could love who you pretended to be, but not you. And it only felt hollow and empty. And it meant going along with things that honestly made him sick to think about. 

He’d struggled, but all those talks and lessons finally came through. He could find his own destiny and doing so was the only way he’d ever be happy. His heart won out over seeking Ozai’s approval and he began that path alone. It was only later, when he saw Iroh again, that he understood that he still had what he thought he’d foolishly thrown away. Instant forgiveness and affection weren’t at all what Zuko expected from his uncle, but his love was, as always, unconditional and accepting. He’d spent so much of his life denying himself and doing everything he could to earn something he already had: the love of a father.


End file.
